


cliffhanger

by schnaf



Series: im-prompt-u challenge [19]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: M/M, Minor Character Death, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-19
Updated: 2020-10-19
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:47:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27106714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/schnaf/pseuds/schnaf
Summary: It happened so out of the blue. One day, Dan's twin brother was gone. He didn't return home that night - he never did. The sea took him and Dan was left alone. Just like that.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Series: im-prompt-u challenge [19]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1969618
Comments: 2
Kudos: 11
Collections: Im-PROMPT-u Phandom Creator Challenge 2020





	cliffhanger

**Author's Note:**

> HAPPY PHANNIVERSARY GUYS \o/
> 
> i wanted to write an appropriate fic, i really did. i even started one but it was so meh. so... i deleted it. and returned to my original idea. i already mentioned that i usually don't take the direct route - that i like to beat up prompts before using them. during this project, i often stayed very close to the original prompt. so today, it was time for a little detour.
> 
> "first", that's the prompt for today. well, on this date 11 years ago, i started my first ever fanfic. quite self-explanatory - it was the start of a journey that changed my life. many things changed during these 11 years but the fics stayed with me.
> 
> "first". the 19th october. today's fic won't be about dan and phil's 19th october 2009 but about mine. this is a scene from my first ever fanfic - a scene that should have been in the fic but wasn't. now, dan and phil get this scene.

"Charlie... I can't do this anymore."

Dan's voice gets carried away. It's windy up here, up on the cliffs - the wind tears on his clothes relentlessly and he shudders.

Still he won't leave. Still, he can't imagine turning around and going back home. Not now, after he finally said it aloud. Damn, he's been standing here for so long, looking at the sea, at the waves underneath him crashing against the rock (just like they did with Charlie), at the clouds rushing over his head, he can't just -

It feels like he can't leave anymore now.

Dan takes a few steps forward, closer to the edge, he sits down on a boulder. Then, he repeats his words. "I can't take it anymore, Charlie."

He feels a bit ridiculous talking to thin air. There's no one around - well, that means no witnesses too so that's chill - it's just him and the urge to talk, to fucking talk, to get this shit off his chest.

And the sea. The fucking sea and the fucking rocks and this huge dispute in his heart because he loves the sea, he loves it so much - he grew up next to it, he always found calm and peace here. But then, the sea took away what was dearest to him.

Charlie.

It happened so out of the blue. One day, Dan's twin brother was gone. He didn't return home that night - he never did. The sea took him and Dan was left alone. Just like that.

Dan's hand clenches into a fist, he still tries to hold back the tears. God, so much time passed - at least it feels like it because every single day without Charlie feels like eternity, because waking up and realising Charlie isn't there anymore rips his heart out every single morning. And yet, he just -

"I miss you so much. You used to be at my side all the time and now you're gone. How should things get better if you'll never return?"

His hand, his whole body trembles when he picks up a stone and throws it over the edge. Dan can't even see where it hits the sea - he knows it didn't have an impact anyway. The world keeps going, the waves keep rolling in. And Charlie is gone.

It's just like his efforts to recover from Charlie's death. He can throw as many stones into the sea as he wants to - it won't bring back Charlie.

Now, the tears start rolling down his face.

"I don't know what to do without you, Charlie. You used to be the person I used to talk to. Now, I -"

He interrupts himself, stays quiet for a bit. No, he can't say he's alone and he knew Charlie would point it out immediately if there was a way he could communicate with Dan. He isn't alone, but the company he has lacks something.

Lacks Charlie.

What if Charlie could actually hear him? There's a reason why he came to this place, so close to the spot where Charlie died, where they found Charlie's body. He feels this is the closest he can get to his brother. And that's why he suddenly started talking.

Would Charlie want to hear him complain all the time? Would Charlie only want to hear about Dan's issues with him? No. Charlie would urge him to go on, to talk about the other thing on his mind. He always was able to read him, he'd know there's something else.

Dan takes a deep breath before he continues. "Phil and I kissed. We're in a relationship, I guess."

Even though his heart hurts, he smiles. Partly because he's really happy about that fact, partly because he can vividly imagine Charlie's reaction. They used to be friends, the three of them, Phil almost being the third twin brother, and Charlie knew Dan saw more in Phil than just a friend. If only things had worked out before he disappeared...

Well, basically, Charlie's disappearance was the reason things finally worked out. Phil was the only one who could understand what Dan was going through and he was willing to be there for him, to support him. It was only natural to sort things out - to finally talk about their feelings.

And yet, not everything that shines is gold.

"But I ruin everything, Charlie. I - I can't let go of you. I can't enjoy being in a relationship without you. When he sends me a sweet message, my first intuition is to show it to you and then I remember I can't anymore and then I feel so sad again and I can't think about his message anymore. You mean more to me than him and I -"

By now, it's more than just a few tears. The tears are blocking his sight, he has difficulties breathing, his whole body shakes and now, it's not because of the cold anymore, it's because every single sob shakes his body.

"Charlie, I love him, I really do. And that's what makes me feel so bad about it, I guess. He deserves better."

For a moment, he stays quiet. The only sounds around are his sobs as he tries to calm down a bit, to stop the tears... When Dan continues to speak, he notices how weak he sounds.

"It doesn't make sense, Charlie. Things just don't get better. And I hurt the guy I love."

There it is. The reason why he came here.

Damn, he thought he could make it. He thought he could keep going, even without Charlie because that's what Charlie would have wanted for him. And his future actually looked kind of bright, as bright as possible. Shit, he was in love with Phil for so long and finally, he got what he wanted - what else could he wish for?

And yet, it isn't enough. It will never be enough.

Dan takes a deep breath as he gets up again. His feet are heavy and yet, he walks forward, step by step by step by -

"I just want to be with you, Charlie. Wherever you are right now - I want to be there with you. I can't stay here."

It feels like an epiphany. This is why he knew he couldn't just return. He already could tell there was only one way to go from here - over the cliff.

To Charlie.

But before he reaches the edge, there's -

Dan can't even tell what it is. Something in the air, something in thin air - something that keeps him from walking, from walking over the edge.

Charlie?

It feels so irrational, so insane. And yet, there's some inexplicable thing, some - inexplicable presence?

Dan reaches out, tries to grab something. He almost expects to get hold of Charlie's hand, but there's nothing.

Nothing but a voice. Charlie's voice.

"I'm with you."

Dan stares forward, into the nothingness, where the voice came from. There's nothing - and still, he knows he is not making things up. That was Charlie, no doubt.

'I'm with you.'

The tears return, his heart still hurts. But this time, it's different.

He can't let go. He won't be able to bring back Charlie and it hurts, it hurts so fucking much because he still doesn't know how to live his life without Charlie by his side.

But he can figure it out. He needs to figure it out. Because he can't leave too, he can't -

'I'm with you.'

Charlie will live on. As long as he's alive, Charlie will live on. Charlie will always -

Suddenly, arms wrap around him and Dan feels a warm body against his back. He turns his head a bit to look at the person behind him.

It's Phil. Phil found him. When he considered leaving him for good, Phil found him.

Phil doesn't say a word. Not at that moment on the cliffs, not when they return home and he puts as many blankets around Dan's shoulders as he can find. Not a year later when they move into their first joint apartment. He never mentions that moment on the cliffs again and Dan doesn't either.

But he knows that it was the first time since Charlie's disappearance that the three friends were reunited again. In that moment, both Phil and Charlie saved him.


End file.
